Finding the Strength to Persevere

Once again, I can't believe how long it has been since my last post. It just seems that every time I think things will calm down, chaos ensues all over again. After the last two weeks, though, I knew I had to carve out some time to write and reflect, because too much has been weighing me down to go any longer without processing any of it. I also love being able to share with whoever reads this, because on nights like this one, I could really use some prayer, advice, encouragement, or maybe some combination of the three!

I actually felt pretty refreshed coming back from Christmas break, although I was hesitant about the semester to come, just because of all the unknowns running through my mind. We only had one week of instruction before ACPs, which are basically benchmark tests in Dallas ISD which to my understanding are now being weighted fairly heavily in teacher evaluations in the district. I love my kids, and I feel like there many of them who work hard, but I was still absolutely terrified every time I thought about getting the results back on 122 students who have been in my charge since August 27th. What if no one passed? What if only 10 passed? What if my scores were the lowest in the entire school? What would I say to my kids? What would my colleagues say to me? As a new teacher, I found myself very burdened by my lack of experience and total absence of evidence to back up anything I had done thus far in the school year.

So, as we headed back to school on January 7th, I just prayed that God would guide me over that one week of instruction to in some way get my kids motivated and optimistic, which would mean God giving me a peace about it that could come across to them. That prayer was certainly answered, because for a week, I barely recognized my students. Almost all of them were focused, participating, turning in homework, and working well together. So it was something worth feeling really, really thankful for. And sure enough, that focus paid off, because when results came back, it went much better than I had anticipated. Do we still have a long way to go? Yes. Do I still have a lot of growing to do as a teacher? ABSOLUTELY! But it renewed my spirit, which to be honest had felt very broken for the last month or so.

What I have realized, though, in this first month back at school, that being in education is like riding on a roller coaster that NEVER stops to let you off. The emotional and mental highs and lows have been draining me the last couples of weeks. I try to remind myself of what an incredible blessing it is that God has given me such an amazing opportunity to work with such beautiful children and hopefully impact them in some way. Still, though, there are days that I just feel defeated.

One morning last week, I was driving to school and feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. I was flipping through the radio stations, when a Casting Crowns song came on. To be honest, they aren't my favorite, so I almost kept flipping, but something kept me there. The song that came on was "Already There," and while it sounded familiar, I had never really heard the lyrics. It's a beautiful song, but what really got me was the chorus:

When I'm lost in the mystery
To you my future is a memory
Cause you're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
You're already there, already there

By the end of the song, I felt such an overwhelming sense of comfort that I couldn't help but just cry for a solid 10 minutes while I drove. From day to day, I allow so many things to worry me, stress me out, make me question myself, and ultimately forget that God has the most perfect plan, whether or not it plays out in a way I think can be defined as "successful." He already knows where I am going and how He will get me there. All I need to do is trust in the fact that the unknowns in my life are not a mystery for Him, but instead a memory in eternity for the God of all creation.

As I continue to teach and care for my students, my prayer is that I would remember that what I cannot see has already been planned by my perfect Creator. I pray that everything I do would glorify Him and become less focused on my wants and more focused on His will. There are a couple of things I could really use some extra prayers for, so if you're reading this, please remember a couple of these students in your prayers each day:

There is a student that I have requested prayer for in previous posts. Well, that student had to go away for awhile before Christmas, and still has not returned. I was sure this child would return last week, or at the very latest this week. Every morning for the past eight school days, I have watched student after student come down the hallway, hopeful that his little face will be the next one I see. And yet day after day, I am filled with more disappointment. Why let one student affect me in such a way? Well, this summer at Institute in Houston, Teach for America leaders asked us to write about our "I teach for" student. In other words, was there a kid this summer who really helped us to understand why we are teaching and the circumstances surrounding the great need for transformational teaching in urban areas like Houston or Dallas. This student who has not yet returned is now, and I'm 100% positive always will be, my "I teach for" student. I teach for this student because of his struggles. I teach for this student because his face shows signs of pain and anger I don't think I could have grasped at the young age of 12. I teach for this student because it sometimes seems like no one has even tried fighting for him up until this point in his life. I teach for this student because his tears told me that he had never experienced a feeling of love and compassion from a teacher the way I tried to express to him every day. I teach for him because if we do not give him a chance now, it might be too late for him. So amidst the chaos of paperwork, behavior problems, professional development, lesson planning, and the one million other things that I am constantly trying to balance, I am desperately in need of that reminder of why I teach....for him...for all of the students like him who need us to fight for them now, before it's too late. Please please please pray for him, and pray that he would return to school very soon. Please pray for me, that when he does return, God would give me the words to speak encouragement and life into him, not more of the anger and hate he has become so used to.

I have a student that in the past week has been extremely open and honest with me about his situation outside of school. The fact that he would trust me enough to be so open has amazed me and I know it can only be God working in this student's heart, because our relationship up until this point has not been ideal. Please pray that God would give me wisdom in terms of how to handle the situation this student is in. Little things, like eating lunch with the student, who normally refuses to eat, and after asking him to take at least three bites, seeing him finish an entire lunch of fruit and meat let me know that God has given me an amazing opportunity to reach out to this student with a chance that he may actually listen. So again, please please please pray that God's hand would be in this situation!